Match Made in not so Heaven

Months ago I had a really bad day. Like really bad. Im pretty sure a child even peed on me that day. Anyway, I usually go home and have bubble baths and a glass of wine with my bad days. (hence the name of this blog.) Now I swear Im not an alcoholic but this particular day I was an entire family size bottle of mascoto deep in my bathtub drowning out my day. I really don’t remember the series of events but Im pretty sure my friend Katlyn called to tell me someone we knew got engaged causing me to drown in my sorrows of still being single. This lead me to text Katie and while in communication with both of them signing up with Match.com. So, $150 and a 6 month subscription later I was a match.com-er. Now personally I would rather spend the money on a Kate Spade but apparently there is a clause about signing up when you’re drunk. No refunds.

So I was stuck and I figured why not? I knew a few people that are married to spouses they met on match. May as well get my $150 worth. I enlisted Katie to set my profile up because I am too awkward. Im pretty sure her three main points about me were that I loved Jesus but drank a little, you could find me in a Lilly Pulitzer dress with wing sauce on my face (I’ll know Ive met my future husband when he still thinks Im cute after eating chicken wings), and I loved to be domestic. All of these are crazy but true. And if you cant be honest on a dating website then when can you? Most of the guys that contacted me had a trend. They would start off great for the first week then Bam. Can I see your boobs? So then I feel obligated to throw Jesus at them and that would be the end of that. Whatever . Two guys stuck out and I talked to them the longest. The first one was Dr. Smith. I don’t know his real name. He was a doctor (seriously. I stalked the mess out of him to see if he was lying.) he was so great. We talked for maybe two months and then one day straight outta nowhere he wanted to act like he was some 50 shades of grey. Not happening. So I had to throw that one back into the sea. Next was a boy named "Chase" whose name I have also changed. I was excited about chase he was the normal one. The ONLY normal one I met on there. We talked, super gentleman, funny, we went on a date even. After the date I don't know what happened. We didn't hang out again we just still talked all day everyday. Which I don't know about you but I have to see someone again if we talk everyday. Called it needy I don't care. Another one back into the endless sea of men. Let me go ahead and preface this by telling you all of this was about 6-8 months ago.

Now a week ago..The day before I went to Nashville I needed to get my oil changed. I only go to the wal-mart 30 minutes away to my guy Darryl who gets it done. Call me crazy but, I like to shop when I wait. Anyway, I shopped away and I check out and head back to the auto section. I plop down on the bench, open my starburst jelly beans and start going through my instagram timeline. The man sitting next to me starts having like this weird tick in his throat. Finally after the third time I look up to see if the gentleman was ok. I look up and instantly choke on my starburst jelly bean because there is Dr. Smith staring down smirking at me. Thank goodness he is an ER doctor because I just knew with my luck the good Lord would take me on a bench in the oil change section of wal mart next to one of my match.com guys who asked me for a nude picture… in my star wars t-shirt. All was good after I stopped choking and Darryl called my name. Dr.Smith lives an hour away and I was 30 minutes from my house so I don’t know the odds that we would run in to each other but I would say they are pretty high. I let my subscription expire and have not been back on and I don’t really plan on it. I know it works for some people. I however think I need to be patient and let my future husband come when he comes. After all God has to prepare him a whole heck of a lot to deal with me.

Lesson of the story: It might be time to switch to firestone for my oil changes so I dont have to take sneaky pictures to show my friends how big of a joke my life really is.